Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Friends will once again claim this week that you should've been born during a different time, particularly one where pregnant women weren't ingesting Thalidomide as frequently.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Days after the plane crash, surrounded by the skeletal remains of hundreds of former passengers, you'll be overcome by a phenomenon known as "survivor's indigestion."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone brags about their kids, but remember, the law named after your daughter has only been adopted in 48 out of 50 states.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Apple Computer will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
As grim as the situation may at first appear, the death toll will be surprisingly low after a school bus runs head-on into a local bloodmobile this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Skeptic James Randi will award you a check for $1,000,000 next week, after you are observed thoroughly enjoying that new Brad Garrett sitcom.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
They can take your wife, they can even take away your children, but they're going to need a much bigger hearse to do it all at once.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your 25-year high school reunion this week will reveal how little the Class of '83, and its bitter struggle with math, has changed over time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sagittarius apologizes for the last couple of weeks, man… it's just that it's been so busy and all lately. Anyway, um, horoscope… um, you'll have a heart attack. Shit. Sorry.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The dismal opening-night receipts of Taco Gorillas From Outer Space will teach you an important lesson about composing operettas while stoned.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will bury yourself in your work this week, which would not be a problem if you weren't a gravedigger.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A race war will break out in the deepest dark of night, giving one side the definite upper hand.