Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.