Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will once again play the role of straight man this week to a long, tangled stretch of extension cord.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
While at first lighthearted and even fun, the mood will quickly turn this week when a road trip is taken too far.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The birth of your first child will bring about a newfound sense of responsibility in friends, family members, and child-protection officials.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably pretty low on the list.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A gas-powered chainsaw will cut off circulation in both of your arms, each leg, and a rather large chunk of your midsection.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will remark, incorrectly, that the skinhead movement in America appears to be dying out, after visiting a Mississippi cancer ward this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A drunken attempt to take your anger out on a nearby yacht later this week will accidentally result in the vessel's christening.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your forgetful tendencies will infuriate those closest to you this week when you walk out, back in, and right out again on your wife and kids.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Despite a lukewarm reaction from friends and family members, you still believe your life could someday make a great topic of conversation.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Launching a powerful laser pointer into space, an evil teenage mastermind will soon threaten to humiliate the world unless his demands are met.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A private discussion among friends this week will leave you deeply ashamed about the size of your severance package.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It seems like only yesterday that you were a child, but that's primarily due to the rare genetic disorder progeria.