Aries | March 21 to April 19
When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.