Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They say that you're not the man you used to be, that you've got nothing left inside of you worth saving. However, it's the fact that they're licensed surgeons that really makes it sting.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your wildest dreams will come true this week, only further proving that you deserved the chartered accountancy promotion.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Spurred on by feelings of pressure and pain, you'll follow your heart about two-thirds of the way to the living room phone this week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A series of mob-related events will soon have dockworkers around the world referring to you as a barrel of laughs.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your entire life will flash before your eyes this week, an insignificant blip made all the more trivial by the Benny Hill theme that will accompany it.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Fighting back the tears and suppressing wave after wave of indignation, you'll take next Tuesday's hysterectomy operation like a man.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While you've always claimed to work better under strict deadlines, hundreds of radiation victims will soon have reason to disagree.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll soon stumble upon the secret to a happy marriage—a secret so simple you'll take perverse pleasure in keeping it from your wife.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll be forced to continue due to a series of everyday responsibilities and obligations.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Sometimes in life one must take the good with the bad, even if it means pretending to be attracted to her mother.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lighting never striking the same place twice.