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Your Horoscope

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.