Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.