Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Quit insisting that if you could walk that way you wouldn't need the cornstarch. You know you'd need the damn cornstarch anyway.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Once again you'll wind up with the kind of ambulance driver who thinks he can blow the flames out if he just drives fast enough.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The good news is that the lumpy mass in your pancreas doesn't seem to be cancer. The bad news is that almost everything else inside you does.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars waited a long time just to be sure, but it looks as though you were in fact wrong about e-mail being the CB radio of the '90s.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Although you're relieved psychologists cured you of the delusion that you're a chicken, you're dreading returning home to find all those "eggs" you remember laying.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You were told that getting a puppy would help you meet girls, but they still don't seem to want to approach you, no matter how cute the little guy looks inside your translucent thorax.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
What you thought was a flippant remark will lead you directly to the 17 people you have to blow to get a drink around here.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You have no idea who the hell this Orwell guy was, but he sure screwed up when he didn't fill up that farm with hilarious monkeys.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
If there's anything better than working 50 hours a week in an air-conditioner filter plant, you don't want to know what it is, because hey, that's all you're ever going to do and you'd hate to be dissatisfied.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
People tell you to follow your dreams, but lately they've been going to some really bad neighborhoods in the middle of the night and getting mixed up with some pretty unsavory characters.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A much-needed change of scenery is in store for you this week when wildfires sweep through your area, charring everything visible from your cell's tiny window.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You're the kind of person who can find something positive in anyone. Then again, you're also the kind of person who finds pain hilarious, so it's not that hard for you.