Taurus | April 20 to May 20

It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband would simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ve been struck by Cupid’s magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.