Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll have your legs broken, your teeth shattered, and your skull caved in by Jesus as he strikes out with his Cruci-Chuks while bellowing that "you should'a used bigger nails" during his unexpectedly macho return.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll be hailed as America's Biggest Hero when you save a child from drowning despite weighing almost 450 pounds.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will discover a magical gramophone that allows you to communicate with the residents of the Land of the Dead, although they claim anything important should be discussed in person and they can wait a week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll write one of the best-selling children's books of all time when you cynically put every sugar-coated lie anyone ever told you into the mouth of an anthropomorphic hippo.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
If there's a drinkable liquid in the world that doesn't cause loss of motor function, impaired judgment, slurred speech, dehydration, and eventual unconsciousness, you don't want to know about it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The treasure map turns out to be quite handy indeed, since if someone had just told you the gold was in the Florida Keys, you never would have figured out how to get there from your house.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your claim that there is nothing like a good sandwich will be refuted this week when competing scientists produce a second good sandwich.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will continue to earn the enmity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The scene of your murder will be perplexing for the investigating detectives, as each of your eleven parrots seems to have heard you and the killer say something different.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars tell that next week will be full of trials and tribulations at work. They also spell out a particularly lewd if not funny limerick, if you read Farsi.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Saying you're unhealthy is one thing, saying you're trouble is another, but when the cops invite the parents up to see how you smell so they can tell if their kids are using you, it's almost too much.