Aries | March 21 to April 19
Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.