Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Recent changes to the Cosmic Transportation Authority Code mean the mystic Path to Happiness will now run through the pain center of your brain. Luckily, almost no one ever travels it.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The presence of a "push" sign on a door that obviously must be pulled in order to open will give you overwhelming insight into the futile and picaresque nature of the human experience.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You consider yourself an enlightened and compassionate citizen of the world, but you still bust out laughing every time that South Asian on the TV yells "No bingo!"
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll again fail to see the world through the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing through them doesn't really work like that.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Consumer Reports loved your generous size, high capacity, and ease of operation, but was forced to rate you lower for your high fuel consumption and low resistance to fire and acid.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
While you're aware that people enjoy watching you get hit by buses, you're still surprised that so many are spending $54.95 to sign up for next Sunday's pay-per-view accident.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
This would be a good week to make big plans at work if it weren't for the fact that last week was a good week to be fired for no reason after 15 years at the same company.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll inspire disbelief, jealousy, and not a little hatred when you, rather than Puerto Rico, are named as America's 51st state.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Unfortunately, this is not in fact your horoscope but a nefarious form of demonic sorcery. Do not read it lest you wish to unleash horrors and abominations unspeakable.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll finally achieve that race victory that's been eluding you for so long, although it'll take a few days for the welts to heal where the jockey whipped you on the home stretch.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Although you keep insisting that print is dead, it doesn't seem to have hurt your ability to find newspapers to cover yourself with while sleeping on park benches.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.