Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.