Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
Aries | March 21 to April 19
As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Trained heart surgeons will patiently point out the fallacy implicit in your belief that there's no such thing as a loser in a bacon-eating contest.