Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.