Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Love is in the air this week…or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster's Dictionary for your birthday.