Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don't be embarrassed: Nine-year-olds are allowed to make mistakes.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at near supersonic speed.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While there may never be a good time to lose a parent, the middle of your third trimester is probably the worst.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Agony and torment will soon be yours when a pack of wild dogs aggravate your dander allergy.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Sadly, the coming week will end for you much as it started: on Monday.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Paranoid fears that the entire world is out to get you will be proven false this week when only the FBI, the CIA, seven state police departments, and an international task force agency are found to be on your trail.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While hard and fast rules are oftentimes overly simplistic and flawed, you cannot argue with the logic that whoever smelt it most likely also dealt it.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A seemingly average morning will quickly turn terrifying when you can't remember getting into a pool of your own blood the night before.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person's heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed ax blow.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
By hook or by crook, you will crotchet yourself a matching scarf and hat this winter.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will finally gain the respect of your peers this Thursday after hours spent begging for it on your hands and knees.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Looking back now, it's easy to see that hindsight is 20/20.