Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now…come on…put that brownie down.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The interesting thing about homicidal rage is—well, the stars don't want to ruin it for you.

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