Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled from its socket.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A secret admirer will leave you an unexpected note this Thursday, tempting you with both his heartfelt prose and impressive lock- picking skills.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Don't bother trying to describe the merciless beating you will soon receive at the hands of a crowbar-wielding psychopath. The look on your face will say it all.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your love for women of all shapes and sizes will only grow this week when you fail to completely blow up that inflatable doll.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A wise man once said, "The cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek." But then, it's more the way he said it than anything else.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say it takes a thief to spot a thief, which may explain why you're so good at picking out people who receive sexual pleasure from being urinated on.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Remember: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and the whole world laughs at you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars indicate that it's time to lose those love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
While many condemn you for choosing to get an abortion, the personal courage you showed in making the difficult decision would likely have made your son or daughter very proud.