Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Life will continue to feel like a juggling act this week when you're forced to balance work, family, three plastic rings, a bowling pin, one of those soft juggling balls, two chainsaws, and nursing school.

Advertisement

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your body language will once again give you away this week, leaving little doubt as to whether or not you're suffering a seizure.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

After years of earning a living on your back, you'll be amazed this Friday by just how much you can bring in on your stomach.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will experience an almost Pavlovian response this week when the mere mention of classical conditioning and other behavioral experiments leaves you instantly bored.

Advertisement

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

While many may claim that you've changed, you still put your pants on like everyone else: one prosthetic leg at a time.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll have a tough time putting this Thursday's shocking scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad around for.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.

Advertisement

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Much to your surprise, a meal prepared with hate, regret, and unflinching resentment will soon leave your kids begging for seconds.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

This week you will once again pray exactly 243 times for God to heal you of your obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The stars, in their infinite wisdom, caution you this week against coming a-knockin' if the trailer is indeed rockin'.

Advertisement

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will soon learn that patience‚ÄĒthe ability to endure prolonged delays without becoming annoyed, upset, or even frustrated, especially when unnecessary holdups and long, drawn-out, time-consuming interruptions seem as trivial as they are trying‚ÄĒis a virtue.