Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Life will continue to feel like a juggling act this week when you're forced to balance work, family, three plastic rings, a bowling pin, one of those soft juggling balls, two chainsaws, and nursing school.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your body language will once again give you away this week, leaving little doubt as to whether or not you're suffering a seizure.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After years of earning a living on your back, you'll be amazed this Friday by just how much you can bring in on your stomach.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will experience an almost Pavlovian response this week when the mere mention of classical conditioning and other behavioral experiments leaves you instantly bored.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While many may claim that you've changed, you still put your pants on like everyone else: one prosthetic leg at a time.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll have a tough time putting this Thursday's shocking scene into words, but then, that's what the police department keeps an oversized Pictionary pad around for.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Much to your surprise, a meal prepared with hate, regret, and unflinching resentment will soon leave your kids begging for seconds.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
This week you will once again pray exactly 243 times for God to heal you of your obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, caution you this week against coming a-knockin' if the trailer is indeed rockin'.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will soon learn that patience—the ability to endure prolonged delays without becoming annoyed, upset, or even frustrated, especially when unnecessary holdups and long, drawn-out, time-consuming interruptions seem as trivial as they are trying—is a virtue.