Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when your death is so unexpected and tragic that it lives on in the mind of fear-seized men for centuries to come.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, it's probably time you started accepting some from generous passersby.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will realize who your real friends are this week when a local doctor finally prescribes you some much-needed antipsychotics.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel especially apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Drained both physically and emotionally, you will find comfort this week in the arms of a rather spacious leather couch.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Postcoital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really beginning to annoy your partner.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.