Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.