Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Women often claim that a sense of humor is the most important trait in a prospective partner. Sadly, yours is not good enough to realize that they're only joking.