Taurus | April 20 to May 20
What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will soon leave your body to science, though unfortunately for you, it's the type of science that studies the effects of being repeatedly set on fire.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60 volts. They will then repeat their question for the last time.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though a number of instructional tools already exist, physicists will recommend using your fat ass whenever the concept of inertia is taught in high school classrooms.