Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.