Aries | March 21 to April 19
It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."