Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The human mind is capable of wondrous feats of creativity and imagination, but all you'll come up with next week is "Me no speak-a English."


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your fear of heights worsens this week when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Remember: Nobody is perfect. Whatever you lack in talent and ability, you more than make up for in well-timed excuses.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll have a lot of explaining to do this week when the mathematical constant W is somehow reduced to an irrational decimal, leaving x and y unbalanced on the other side of the equation.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

People say you have one of the biggest egos in the world, but what they probably mean is best—one of the best egos in the world.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You'll soon become a pawn in a deadly game of treachery and deceit, which is too bad, as you'd rather be one of those jumping horsey-guys instead.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The stars foresee a time of great financial security and emotional fulfillment. Also, the stars foresee the start of National Lie In Order To Make People Feel Better About Themselves Week.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It's amazing what a difference a little hard work and perseverance can make. Or at least, that's what you heard.