Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will combine a pair of novelty underpants and your considerable ventriloquism skills to give a certain special lady the worst first date of her life.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your water will break while watching a performance of The Marriage Of Figaro, causing you great surprise, as you are not pregnant, female, or interested in opera.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will die of dehydration and malnutrition next week, shortly after hitting the snooze button for the 234,734th time.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart's miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, "Thanks for nothing."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.