Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Turns out beauty marks are smaller than a grapefruit in size, are generally symmetrical in shape, and don't grow at the base of one's brain.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You didn't get into plumbing for the fame, the fortune, or the women. But one severely backed-up toilet will soon change all of that.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll fail to find happiness at the bottom of a bottle this week, but by that point you'll be too drunk to really care.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Yelling "shark" and running around in a panic will only get you hurt, especially if you keep doing it at shady pool halls.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your attempt to vandalize a series of 16th-century paintings will fail this week, since most already feature handlebar mustaches, wispy goatees, and racial epithets aimed at the Jews.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

No amount of rope can hold you back. Unless, of course, it's suspended from the ceiling of a middle-school gym.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

After everything is said and done, you'll continue to prattle on like a fucking idiot.