Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.