Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The secret to happiness will finally be yours this week, instantly making you miserable for not guessing it sooner.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that your entire future can be summed up in pretty much 20 words.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Paramedics will find you lying unconscious in the middle of the street, but not before putting the ambulance in reverse and running over you for a second time.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

When offered a raise at work this week, smile politely, thank them kindly, and back out of the room with the dynamite still strapped to your chest.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your name, photo, and date of birth will soon figure prominently in your city's fight against teenage pregnancy.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You're a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in all Creation. Now then, can Capricorn borrow 10 bucks?

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Events following your gory beheading will prove that Broadway can make a musical out of anything.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It may just be a game to you, some silly and carefree diversion, but come on now—people are trying to play Parcheesi here.