Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Remember: Just because they haven't found the bodies yet doesn't make it a victimless crime.

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