Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
They say that someone with half a brain could do your job, which is good news considering next week's debilitating stroke.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
God may have a divine plan for you, but after the coal mine disaster and the tour bus fire, you're beginning to suspect He's just making it up along the way.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be reduced to a fraction of your former self this week when both your numerator and denominator are divided by 12.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're about to undergo a deeply religious experience. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being alienated, persecuted, and finally crucified.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that this is a good week to jump around as if on fire, seduce a species of rare crayfish, and find a new astrologist.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll scream until you're blue in the face this week, which only makes sense, as you're screaming for the national independence of greater Scotland.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember: Just because they haven't found the bodies yet doesn't make it a victimless crime.