Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.