Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.