Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.