Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Smuggling cocaine across the border is a delicate art. Next time try stashing it inside a stuffed animal instead of a live one.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Action and adventure await you this Thursday, though not before hours of pointless exposition and predictable plot twists.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your claims that you can't do nothing right are incorrect. What you mean you to say is "can't do anything right."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will drink from the well of wisdom this week, instantly learning all there is to know about contracting dysentery.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your flawless table manners, impeccable hygiene, and extensive vocabulary may seem strange to some, but then they've never met anyone raised by the Wolffs before.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember: Anything can be accomplished with enough grit, determination, and cups of black coffee.