Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey's idea.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls "Angel Dust."

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You'll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it'll be obvious you're just masking your fear.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Remember: Crying in public doesn't make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.