Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll be the victim of a gypsy curse this week when a Romanian villager points at your head, closes her bright green eyes, and calls you a "fucking asshole."