Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won't really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it's not everyday you win big at video poker.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week's astrological prediction already in progress…