Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After years of quiet introspection, you'll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it'd be so convenient.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.