Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.