Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The bullet will miss your heart by several inches, which only makes sense, as it will be fired at your head.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he'll have done to your hands.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, it's leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it's still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Be sure to watch your temper, as it's about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember, people like you for who you are: An incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.