Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you'll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné—it's your future in a bottle.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Humiliation will be yours this week when you're replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it'll be born with three fingers.