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Your Horoscope

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week's events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You'll wonder aloud if there's anything duct tape can't do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

In a tragic twist of fate, you'll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

New and exciting experiences help to color one's life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you're the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The stars will grant your heart's deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You'll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.