Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they'll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it's been several hours since they last fed you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that's mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Someday you'll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it's months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Earth and water magicks are strong in your sign today. Unfortunately, so are card, silk, and vanishing dove magicks.