Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at email@example.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.