Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The strange men in lab coats will administer a series of electric shocks, painful injections, and radioactive treatments. They will then stop goofing around and get back to work.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You'll make all the women swoon this week, thanks to a damp rag and a handy bottle of chloroform.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

It's not that you should be eating less, or even that you should be exercising more; it's that the stars have to waste their valuable time telling you.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Look to the Bible for solace this week. Or to any other work of fiction that may help you to escape.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

While it's true that the universe works in mysterious ways, it's becoming pretty clear what it has against you.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll have mixed feelings this week when several leading gourmands describe you as "succulent" and "falling off the bone."

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

There's a fine line between comedy and tragedy. A fine line you will soon trip over, before rolling down the stairs and smashing your skull open on the concrete floor.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You'll be inconsolable this Thursday, or at least you would be, were anyone to actually try.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The story of your life will be filled with action, adventure and romance. Sadly, it will also be filled with huge, sprawling typos.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You'll feel like a class-A moron this week when the U.S. government begins grouping citizens based on their overall level of intellect.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It may seem like just a birthmark to you, but the mole on your back grants you entry into the Secret Order of Melanoma.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

If there's one thing about you, it's that you're a genuine and caring person. If there are two things about you, however, it's that you're easily placated by insincere flattery.