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Your Horoscope

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.