Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.