Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.