Aries | March 21 to April 19

The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.

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