Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.