Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"