Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"