Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After months of being woken up at all hours by your newborn daughter, you will finally be able to sleep soundly this week after it's decided that she should stay overnight at the local hospital for further tests.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars understand that faith is difficult in the modern world, but trust them when they tell you that the derivative of a constant is always zero.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Like that of human beings, the beauty of snowflakes lies in the fact that no two are exactly alike. Also, a big part of their beauty lies in the fact that every single one of them is white.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your brand-new goose down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While jazzercise classes won't trim your thighs or waistline, they will soon leave you with a greater appreciation for Duke Ellington and Charles Mingus.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your resistance to technology comes to a sudden end this week when you're garroted with a length of fiber-optic cable.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll learn a lot about yourself this week, including the exact tensile strength of each of your ribs, the temperature at which your nasal cartilage melts, and where your fear of commitment comes from.